kactusnz:

mayasaura:

gender-trash:

gender-trash:

gender-trash:

i am! obsessed! with this book from the late ming dynasty about scams to watch out for (esp. if you are a traveling merchant). this guy is like, there ARE immortals who can survive without food but you WILL NOT encounter them because they live alone in the mountains and don’t talk to anyone. if a monk comes to your house and claims to not need to eat, it’s probably because he’s secretly eating human fetuses, or something. eunuchs are invariably corrupt and the court system is useless. however, do NOT try to bribe anyone for a better SAT result for your idiot failson; this never works. nuns WILL try to seduce your wife into cheating on you. if your idiot failson does really badly on the SAT, make sure to have his father’s remains buried somewhere with A+ fengshui; this is Guaranteed to work (unless your wife is cheating on you).

oh yeah and ofc there’s the classic pretending-a-cow-is-the-reincarnation-of-your-deceased-mother scam. watch out for that one

answers to frequently asked questions:

  • the book is “The Book of Swindles” (i’m reading the columbia university press abridged edition)
  • its actually not the SAT its the civil service exams but like. same difference
  • yes it IS unhinged and you SHOULD read it

I need to know. What is the reincarnated cow mom scam?

found the english translation in a search.

  • buddhist monk encounters a friendly cow that likes to lick people when they are sweaty (salt)
  • monk drenches self in brine
  • monk goes to cow’s owner, claims the cow is the reincarnation of his deceased mother who was insufficiently devout, proves it by the cow having ‘affection’ for him like that between a mother and a son (licking his face profusely)
  • monk asks to buy the cow at half price but has no money (due to being monk), owner is so moved that he gives the monk the cow
  • monk now has a free cow (this is where I thought it would end) - fattens it up and has it slaughtered, sells half the meat and turns the other half to jerky, which he keeps hidden in his robes.
  • monk encounters a wealthy man and visits him at his house.
  • monk claims to be the spiritual brother of the wealthy man in a past life and that the wealthy man has been reincarnated as a human because he was too attached to the mortal world. monk claims that he has knowledge of past lives through being extremely devout and that he has been fasting for three years, consuming only hot water or clear tea. 'proves’ this by fasting for another month at the wealthy man’s house (by secretly eating the jerky).
  • Convinces the wealthy man that to show devotion he should give away a large sum of money for the monk to deliver to a holy man building a hermitage. Monk absconds with half the money.

(via wimbdy)

kyraneko:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

catgirlwarrior:

mothric:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

derinthescarletpescatarian:

funnytwittertweets:

image

*adds a sprinkle of cornstarch to the plot and stirs*

#NOOOOO URE SUPPOSED TO MIX THE CORNSTARCH INTO A SLURRY BEFORE ADDING IT TO UR SOUP ITLL CLUMP IN HOT WATER 

NOOO THE PLOT CLUMPENS

image

(via @woppy42 )

I thought it said “the plot chickens” and I got so excited

Plot chickens are like plot bunnies but violent

Having watched the chicken math video I can confirm that “plot chickens” is a much better way to describe them than “plot bunnies.”

  1. They crave violence, get everywhere, and cause problems on purpose, and
  2. They not only reproduce but YOU GO OUT AND OBTAIN MORE of your own goddamn free will.

(via wimbdy)

catmask:

i do like to think of the body like a home and a house like it is alive. a house that you do not upkeep will sag and it will show wear but it will not always die. sometimes houses are not even well built to begin with. other times a house will sit and wait in neglect and it will become difficult to live in. it will feel like the building itself was created to consume you. you become trapped within it, looking out at the world through clouded eyes.

when you begin to take care of a house, everything cannot be fixed at once. there is no finish line, but a constant thrum of upkeep. you become it’s heartbeat. the more attention you give it the more you will notice the little neglects you let slide before. but also… the more you take care of a house, the more it begins to thank you. it keeps you warmer, it stands taller. it creaks less. it’s eyes shine brighter. sometimes clutter will build and we will have a week we grow too tired to clean, to do the chores we know we should, sometimes leaks and aches persist but… a house and a body you take time to care for and love will thank you. in their own ways

(via wimbdy)

flakmaniak:

etirabys:

ancientsigil:

describing commission ideas is so embarrassing. yea this is my guy. and i want you to draw him. jesus just shoot me already

this post helped me articulate why I hate wedding planning so much. It’s like creating an irl AMV for my own relationship. yeah we’re the guys. and i want everyone to look at us kissing in fancy clothes. while music we picked, on purpose, plays

I support your cringe self-shipping AMV.

(via sassytail)